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°†๑۩۞۩๑.HaZmaT.๑۩۞۩๑†°....malaise 4/10/2008 ...my weekend
I’m still in the office and it’s a weekend today. Just half an hour more before my ride comes to pick me for home. Let me see what I can write here.
When I checked again and saw my page I realized it’s been a year the last time I wrote something. Reading old lines somehow makes me laugh the way I inscribe things. Words full of dilemma; I think is what it is yet then again, I am here! Did I say I was laughing? ..because here I am annoyed & judging my own work!
Oh I just got that call. I was waiting for that but when my phone rang I just hit the reject button. Life is so vague. I think I only come visit here & write when I feel cluttered. I guess I still feel it, see now how stupid!
4/26/2007 s h i tTHEY SAID: ONE HAS TO GO WITH THE FLOW
ENABLE TO BE 'HAPPY' AND FIND JOY
SO I TRIED AND IN FACT DID,
SINCE EVERYONE ADVICED ME SO.
YET ALL IS AWARE HOW SHITTY LIFE IS
AND BECAUSE OF FUCKING NAIVENESS
OR, MAYBE THEN I'M JUST PLAINLY STUPID
I STILL WENT FOR IT
NOW I'VE LEARNED THAT IT'S VISCID THOUGH ORDINARILLY,
IT COMES OUT HARD ROCK-SOLID
EITHER WAY WE DEFINE IT,
LIFE IS STILL A GOD DAMNED SHIT
AND SINCE IT IS FLOWING MY WAY
EVEN IF I WIPE OR CONCEAL IT,
THE SMELL WILL ALWAYS STAY
THAT EVEN IF I DISSIMULATE
I WILL STILL END UP IN A DEEP SHIT.
1/12/2007 *all over you.......our love is like water pinned down and abused for being strange
our love is no other than me alone just for me all day
our love is like an angel, pinned down and abused
i'm all over you, all over me's the sun, the fields, the sky
I've often tried to hold the sea the sun, the fields, the tide lay me now, just lay me down..... 11/5/2006 -:- ...another dayIt is better to have NOBODYThan to have somebody who is half yours, half thereor does not want to be there,or is there, and then suddenly disappears...This goes out to that man in vain:- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -I think I'll go home nowIt's been the greatest dayThank you for shedding life to my fantasyThrow me a wicked smileThe one like yesterday
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A loaded gun
versus an empty head my state of mind when nothing is left A trembling finger on a gripping hand A silent cry
in my injured mind kept A lost tear on my drained face
as my pulling finger wins the race! +0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+0+
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-:-..1 of d men dat i adore ~ Eddie Vedder ~ sings to me....
waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
as he opens the door, she rolls over...
pretends to sleep as he looks her over
she lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
she dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
can't find a better man
can't find a better man
ohh...
talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
she tells herself, oh...
memories back when she was bold and strong
and waiting for the world to come along...
swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
she lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
she dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
she lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...
she dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
can't find a better man
can't find a better man
yeah...
she loved him, yeah...she don't want to leave this way
she feeds him, yeah...that's why she'll be back again
can't find a better man
can't find a better man
can't find a better man
can't find a better... man...
†°just me!°†
MENTAL CONDITION: ....Self Inflicted Brain Damage!
.....it's six o' clock in the morning and i haven't gone to sleep yet. the rest of the world left their normal suspense of consciousness early last night, and almost everybody are just now waking up for the day to work . and i, with my stained fingers and darting eyes ...i have been lost inside a wandering language and in an enchanting tragedy. it was you all along who's running in my thoughts ...i've been making this shit and i'm all up blogging for hours now as the candle light dances beside me. i drank my water and listen to the swirling fan hanging on my ceiling. it is like a symphony as the wind blows in accessory.
i've had a very weird evening last night ...am not sure if you’ve planned it, or was it just to subsist. a friend of yours came by and visited me. we had coffee, chatted and after an hour, back home he dropped me . i am freakin` confused otherwise maybe it's my little brain again that has been totally abused. he knows quite well about me though.. and so i wonder what you've been telling. he also said you're out of town, so am i to be happy or should i be lonely..?? but no cuido! the nastiest thing is that your friend is trying his luck.. i couldn't believe this male thing! do you men really call this fuck a sort'a brotherhood shit..? what's wrong with you people! most of you don't actually use the right organ and only you can think of is just how to boost-up your fucking egos! ....Or, could it be??? that God created male/s with big balls and long pipe compared to that higher organ they so called brains...? oh well..! either way i can't offer anything more you see, as i've turn out to be empty since everybody have been sucking my fucked up life out of me.
oh how silly, guess i'd well again calm down now. this freaks are only making my white blood cells rise!! ( ~siiigghhh..) i'm not tired though ...or maybe i am just too damned, `cause even if i lay down with my comforting blanket hugging my three stiff pillows, i won’t fall asleep for hours still. i've even come to wonder if i'm not some sort of insomniac (...or is it just that i'm losing my senses again?). all the time i remain awake and my glances analyzes this small room like a machine processing useless datas.
i feel this ache in my stomach, reminding me that i neglected myself of proper nutrition for the past few days. yesterday, i only munched some chips `cause i found nothing in my fridge. just cans of beer and some soda that my papa stocked in before he left to Africa (and that was almost two months ago you know). at this time i can feel this rumble that somehow transforms into the wall like an earthquake, it resonates off like the high envelope of a deep whining buzz (like the down side of living by an air force base when it's this early in the morning) - i must know, papa used to be in a military.
...i can't believe what i've been doing, God i'm again talking bullshit! i don't seem to recall how i started this habit. i've been writing for too long now and my red candle is half the length. it was just sixty minutes ago if i'm not wrong.... as i was peeking through my blinds, there's that faint aqua greyish colored winter morning light, although summer's actually coming. it creeps in gently to say hello and to lift my body from its tranquil lucidity. but i haven't gone to sleep yet still i feel so wide awake.
suddenly i hear something clicks on, and i wonder ....have i been actually awake all this time? or am i just dreaming again without shutting my dark eyes....?
damned this mental stipulation! ...all i do is seek my own salvation, to tell you i've never hurt anyone you see but i just couldn't figure out why this world is such a bitch and so i guess nobody will complain if i actually become the same!
as usual, it's
†°just me!°†
....in my own salvation
i stare at this window
with my head against the glass
looking out into the world
waiting for someone to pass...
all throughout my life, these people
that frequently come and go,
the only thing they do
is take out a piece of Me
with them, as they've got no clue
to what i have lost
or how distressingly it hurts
nobody sees that i've been bleeding
although merely in squirts
offhandedly, i'm trailin'
sensing the numbness of pain.
i tried to brush it off,
i'm all alone but i wont stop.
the pieces of Me, i will pick it all up!
on my face, a smile will detain,
i'll stand up straight,
and will start it all over again....
†°just me°†
most of dem r not as smart as we think dey r! Try 2analyze dis!
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up!
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...!
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares, would you..?????
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! ..and then God created Woman!!!
Q: What's the difference between an “Intelligent Man” & a “UFO?”
A: I don't know. I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) No mind
ii) No business
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. But men....
>>>(...hhmmm, you yourself think what they turn into whenever they drink, what do you see?!?!)<<<
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes the dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's a God's gift?
A: Exchange him!
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Because opposite do attracts!
† >>words full of "..ING's"<< "I'm Never Good" wid dis sort'a thing, i'm just releasing!
-:- ......just Brandon ~ singing d lexis of my tormented soul!
all of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup
when there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
when you feel the world shake from the words that are said
I need a sign to let me know you're here
'cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me
when children have to play inside so they don't disappear
and private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
and football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours
and I'm calling all the angels,
great days against worst! it's d way we live it, actually! ;-)
Quote
great days against worst! it's d way we live it, actually! ;-)
~siiiggghhhh! <..deep, but smiling>
just thinking how really amazing life works!
just yesterday i was so fucked up & was havin a real bad time. call it mor lyk “hell.” felt lyk all d bad luck has com in2me, i was soo broke n down, in terms of ....EVERYTHING! mentally, emotionally, well ..not rlly physically though (cuz sure am healthy enuf! Lolz) & d worst, financially!
it startd wen i was jst preparing 4work <dis happened d other day>. was w8ng 4a miss-call frm d driver in d morn’ 2pick me up. till it got late ‘n late ‘n late ‘n later.... was thinkin wat happend so i dcided 2call d driver! den i realized, i got my fone cut off by etisalat! i hurriedly ran outsyd (take note! it was raining dat mornning!) thinkin dey myt stil b w8ng 4me der. & duh! so much of hoping! d car of cors did leave me! ..was thinkng `n panicking `n all d feelings mixed up in between! wat am i 2do?! was wearin a freakng skirt n dnt wana go bck home 2chnge, 2take a bus! & i alrdy got a warning frm Art 4continously comin l8 d oder mnth n dnt want dat 2hapen agen! n so i stoppd a cab n took it 2avoid hearing any comment from Art again. i was so 4tunate dat day wen d taxi driver told me dat he is jst new `n not so familiar w/d places yet, he said he used 2work in AbuDhabi n just started der! well, i got no choice, `n so I started navigating! wat an adventure, isn’t it?!?
but oopppss.. d bad luck ddn’t evn stop der, d car ddn’t move for 15mins. since d time i sat in itself! d traffic was horrifying, a bit mor scarier dan d movie “the grudge!” `n so i went mad sittin in a cab for 3-hrs! jst imagine d feeling of u wnted 2get out frm d car `n jst run as fast as u can jst 2reach ur office but u couldn’t?!? rlly kept on movin my ass on d seat, i wntd 2call 4help bt i couldn’t! so i tried askng d driver 4his fone, but poor guy he only got 0.01 fills. i swear, he evn showed me! i evn consoled him 4dat matter cuz he really looked so worried about me gettin kicked off frm my job cuz it’s bn 3-hrs, `n so i told him not 2worry `n everythin wil b jst fine! <as if!>. now.. got nothing 2do so i was jst holdin my head, freaking out bt controllng not2, pullin my hair 1 by 1, n all d crazy stuffs u cn imagine me doin, i felt frantically crazy but stil sane, i wanted 2jst scream jst once 2release d feeling! then at last! after 3hrs. of sittin insyd d cab, i reached! oh i was very punctual-->12:30noon! FYI: 10am is d timing! took d cab @ 9:15am ...n so i bid d driver goodbye `n thanked him 4being my chauffer 4d day `n paid 130+ dhs. wsn’t evn feeling bad “yet” cuz ddn’t really thought about d money dat time. jst wntd 2fly str8 2office!
den i was rushing insyd d bldg. thinkng wat an alibi 2giv. cnt say traffic agen, right?!?! like duh! dat’s my evryday reason (although it's true cuz evn my carlift gets late `n drops me 30mins. after time, dat hapens almost everyday! so i hav 2think of a very unusual one. i also dnt wana tell him dis very long story of wat really happened, it’s too long he might think i’m alrdy bluffing dis time! so i thought of just tellin dat our car got hit by a truck, `n so, `n so den jst apologize lyk hell, 2keep d story short! ..but den agen, wen i opened d door, i found nobody! office was empty! 'as in' no Art! ..den suddenly, it occurred 2me dat d evning b4 dat day, he told me he wont b der in d morn cuz he’s gonna play golf early, w/c is dat day! ..i felt like fainting not even reaching my desk! felt lyk fallin on my knees on d floor cuz of my foolishness! i was shattered, drained, exhausted n felt really sorry 4myself!
Hehehe.. well, shit does happen all d time! and so d lesson i’ve learned frm dat day?!?!? “if u are in d middle of dilemma, do not lack presence of mind & common sense!” ..and of course PAY UR BILLS ON TIME, please! Lolz!”
...............however, my day today went all good `n inspiring, at first that is!
It went a bit bad in between, just like ordinary and also learned another lesson: “if u’r feelin dehydrated of somthin, do not take d bait frm ppl u already knew will trick u, instead of gulping liquid in ur throat 2ease ur thirst, u will only end up gulping air!” <-Take it frm me!
but hey! my day passed on all okay! Didn’t get affected w/ dat trivial thing! was in fact all good `n great! spend d afternoon with a very special friend of mine <ever since>. A great friend, a person I can say dat really knows me, in `n out! ;-) <..friend daw o, mybe mor! Lolz!> ;-)
Oh well, it’s almost 4am now! Need 2energized myself again 2craft a new <great> day later on, so i’d better beat d bed now! like i said earlier, it’s really amazing how life works!
<..smiling as always!>
†
-:- .....Rob sings my every day life
all day staring at the ceiling
making friends with shadows on my wall
all night hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something
hold on
feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
and I don't know why...
...me, I'm talking to myself in public
dodging glances on the train
and I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
& it makes me think there must be something wrong w/me
out of all the hours thinking
somehow I've lost my mind
I've been talking in my sleep
pretty soon they'll come to get me
yeah, they're taking me away
but I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be
yeah, how I used to be
well, I'm just a little unwell
......i'm just a little unwell
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